why me? 2/2 |
It is nightfall, everyone has gone to bed. Well, everyone except for me.
I sit here, again, at the little path of grass.
It is the only place I can feel harmony at, at least at a place like this!
In some how, I have a longing for a cigarette, even if I isnt even smoking, but it just
feels like it would be a good time now...
" What am I thinking? Am I really that odd? " I sigh, then stroke my hand through my hair.
That old memory comes back, I am trying to fight it, but what the hell for? I know it is just
going to get back, so why not think of it once more?
The sound of frogs and other things, makes me close my eyes, and look through my past once again.
" The lesson is over, finally! " I look at her while she packs her stuff into her bag.
" I thought you liked school? " She paths me on the head and says;
" Sometimes, but that is only when something funny is happening, like.. A new student! "
I can feel that she means me, and then I blush.
" Sorry.. " She looks at me, confused.
" For what? "
" I know I am not that popular, and that you have to be with me and not with your other friends. "
She makes a sigh and smiles. That is what I like about her, she is so understanding.
" Can I tell you a little secret? Can you keep it to yourself? "
I look around in the room, and then I lean towards her.
" I dont have anyone to tell it to.. "
She laugh and gently whispers in my ear;
" They are not such real friends, they are just fake so that they will get popular.
I dont even like to hang out with them, I would rather hang out with you. "
My heart felt weird when she said that.
When I got home that day, all I could think of were her gentle, but mean words.
" They are fake.. I would rather hang out with you. " What is this called, what I am feeling now?
May it be..
.. Love?
And there I wake up, I drop all of the words I just thought of on the ground,
and then I stomp on them.
" I should get some sleep... But the night is so beautiful. "
A branch is being crushed, someone is coming! I hide behind a big rock, from there I have a good sight.
But still, it is dark, so I still cant see the person who is coming...
" A-Alice? Are you there? " Someone whispers.
I realize it is Caroline, but I cant talk to her, I did get some guilt from what I said earlier.
" That depends on what you want. " I am harsh to her, I know...
" P-please Alice, I dont want this anymore.. I just.. I just want you to tell me why you wont allow me to wait. "
I interrupt..
" I just want an answer sometime, that is all. " Tears is filling her eyes again.
" B-but, It is hard to answer this question, because.. Because, I like you very much, but I know you have had a hard time in your past, I dont know with
what, but I dont want to hurt you. I wouldnt do that with purpose, but.. If I would I dont think I can be able to live with it. "
It remains silence in a couple of minutes, I dont know what to say,
or I do, but how ?
" You are quite an idiot, Caroline. You cant hurt me, you are to nice,
and if you would.. Then I have to swallow it and move on. "
I step forward from my hiding spot.
She is crying, and she gasps for her breath. That is what I like with her,
she is honest, and direct, but in a nice way. Or sometimes, she is slow like a snail and then she brakes out in tears.
" But how can I believe you? Everyone have told me that you cant take a relationship serious , and I am afraid of that, too... "
Oh my oh my, I have done it again I see..
" That may be true, but you know.. If I get to be together with you... " I press her towards me, and her warmth meets my cold.
" I would do anything to change, as long as it is in my limits... "
After saying that, I can feel that her muscles starts to relax.
" Tell me... If it isnt to painful.. "
What do I have for choice? If I am going to be together with the second "love of my life" I have no other chance than telling her why I can get a
bit cold sometimes.
" Okay, I will tell you, but let us sit over here... "
We sit down at the little grass path, and she lies down in my arms.
" It all started when I was going to the sixth grade. I was a new student, just arrived from another city.
No one wanted to show me around, except for the two months older girl, Elisbeth, but I could call her Elise...
Anyway, she was the only kind person to me, and once she told me that all of her friends were fake and that they just hung out with her because they wanted to get popular,
so I was the only true friend she had... Or that is what she told me... "
" If this is love that I am feeling.. What am I going to say to her then?
She have told me that she likes just me.. Is that even true? "
Everyday I watched her go to her class from my class window,
sometimes we had lessons together, so I sat with her then, and she did always laugh and smile at me.
The only thing I did not like with her was the fact that she was two-three years older than me,
and that meant, she was going to graduate before me, and then we wouldnt be together anymore.
So, I will work my ass of just to get closer up, and then they will maybe
out me in seventh or eight grade!
" Alice, are you going to search in for the student council soon? "
Every time she spoke to me now gave me a warm feeling in my hole body, and I couldnt answer her.
" Umm.. Yeah, I think I might. "
" Good, let us go nominate you right now! "
We ran over to the principals office to nominate me, and there, my worst nightmare was once again reminded.
" Ah, Elisbeth, I see you are still helping her around. But you know, that time is over, you dont need to take care of her
anymore. " Several questions popped up in my head that time.
" What is he talking about? "
" No principal, I know.. She has become my friend. And we want her to be the president of the student council! "
He got happy to hear about that, and then he brought the same thing that she had said to me;
" Ah, that is right! She is smarter than a sixth-grader should be. Well, I will wright her up on the list then! "
Please, dont tell me the same thing over and over again, and you dont need to say "she" I am standing right here,
you blind old man...
The day has ended, and I am able to walk with her home today.
" hey, Lisbeth? "She curiously looks at me and smiles.
" yes? "
" What did he mean with.. That you did not HAVE to take care of me anymore? "
She looks away, like she dont want to look me in the eyes anymore.
" N-nothing. Forget about it. Promise me you will? "
I do everything she says, but I just nodded as an answer.
" Okay, I will.."
The year passed by, it felt like a pair of seconds, the whole year had past, and this year..
Lisbeth is graduating.. I feel the fear in my hole body this day,
it is the very last, and I.. I am going to tell her about my real feelings.
I stand in front of the ninth graders mainroom right now, and I am too nervous to knock.
But after a wile I get my courage back and then, with definite knocks, I want to run back in time and wish I had never even
got here today.
Someone is opening, she is tall, but I am taller. This year, I have been growing very much,
I am even taller than Lisbeth now.
" Oh, it is you.. What do you want? "
She seems angry at.. me? Why?
" I want to see Lisbeth for a sec.. Can you tell her to come out here? "
She looks at me as if I would be stupid.
" Why cant you come in? "
" I dont want to be in the way, but please fetch her, it is very important. "
She nods and closes the door right in my face.
I can hear whispers from the other side of the door.
After a while she comes out, she is very beautiful.
" What did you want to talk to me about? " She smiles as always.
" Come, let us go somewhere else... It is kind of.. A personal thing. "
" Okay " She follows me to the backside of the school.
The sun makes her eyes shimmer, they are like diamonds.
" So, what is it that you definitely wanted to talk to me about? "
My heart is pounding very hard, and I am shaking in the hole body.
" Lisbeth.. I.. I dont know.. Over the years, you have been nice to me, and I am very happy that you wanted to guide
me around the school. We made a pretty good relationship, I mean like friends, but I.."
She interrupts me.
" I have to confess something to you, I cant live with the guilt otherwise... Alice, you know what the principal said a long time ago?
That I had to take care of you? " I nod, and listening so intense that I think the head is going to
explode.
" I HAD to take care of you then, I didnt even want to do that, to a beginning,
bit then you said all of that stuff like you didnt have any friends to tell you my secret for, and it is not really a secret,
what I told you was false. I love my friends, I did then too... I am sorry, Alice, But I do see you as my friend, a close friend. "
Oh no.. What? I can feel the tears running down my cheek.
" So.. It was all a lie? You were not my friend, YOU were the fake one? "
She nods, and tries to touch me, take the tears away, but I push her hand away.
" I am sorry, Alice.. " The anger fills me... I have to let it out..
" Have you any idea of how you have been affected me? " She seems to be very insecure, and a little bit stupid, just like all of the other girls.
" Your kindness have been a lifesaver to me... And it was all false!? "
Now I am screaming, it wasnt the meaning, but I cant hold back, it has to come out.
" Alice, calm down! "
" DONT YOU TOUCH ME! Dont you know how hard it is for me to get touched by you?"
She looks scared and discussed, but I dont care, she have to hear this!
" What are you saying? "
" I am saying... You are.. You are the love of my life! " I scream it in her ear, and then I can hear laughs from above.
When I look up, I see all of her friends.
" So that is what it was all about? HAHA! Can you believe it!? "
Elisbeth stares out in the air, and then at me again.
" Alice, I am so sorry... " She is going to say she is sorry, but I wont accept it, she knew her friends was there!
" Leave me alone! " I run away, as fast as I can, and even if I can hear her screaming after my name I ignore her.
Why did she do this to me? Why..?
Caroline looks upon me.
" Alice, I didnt know.. I am sorry. "
" Dont say that! It sounds just like her! " I think she got scared of my sudden twitch.
" Sorry... But, I am not her. I am Caroline. Sure, I am a love of your life, but not that one! "
I stroke her arm and gives her a kiss on the cheek.
" I know.. I am the one who should be sorry, I have let this bad memory destroy every little crush I have had,
but this time... Will you help me convince it? That it is gone? "
She smiles, and gives me a kiss on the lips.
" I.. I will. "
We sit there, prisoners of the beautiful sky, I can feel her warmth disappear.
" Oh Alice.. I love you.. "
I am quiet, but just for a pair of seconds this time.
" I.. I love you too, Caroline. "
" Why me " Is something I am used to ask myself, without having an answer...
But now I know what the answer is..
" Cause it led me to her... "
Fin
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