What is wrong with me... ? |
I felt like killing myself. Hated feeling helpless, hated feeling empty. I stared at the screen without interest. Why did I even sit here? Maybe because my mp3 charged its battery. Or cause my only friend just logged out with a terrible headache. I felt like it was all my fault. Of course I knew it wasn’t, but I couldn’t help the feeling that everything I did failed. Tokio Hotel kept playing their songs, put on a endless loop. Bills voice almost made me cry, so helpless and fragile. I don’t want to be like this, I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I don’t want to be alone, I were satisfied with just one friend, but he cant be with me. I want to kiss my boyfriend. I can’t even do that. I sighed and snatched my mp3 player out of its wire. Shut the comp without saving any of my stories. What did it matter if I lost them? I’d just erase them later, anoyed by my spelling, how the characters acted, how the whole red line just tangeled into a red mass of nothing. With my headphones on and Bill singing about what reasons there were not to jump from a building, I slowly walked to my room. A big poster of my favourite band decorated the door, mostly to show who I were, but also to make it less white. I closed the door and fell down on my unmade bed with its japanese signs printed on black. Even though it were pitch dark I stared at the seiling without a thought in my head. Another song started playing and I followed the lyrics.
“Empty streets
I follow every breath into the night
The wind so cold
The sun is frozen
The world has lost its light
I carry your picture deep within
Back to you over 1000 seas
Back to us
Don’t loose your trust and your belief
Just trust me...”
Everything felt so empty, like life didn’t matter anymore. Whole my life I felt unwanted, teachers that never said anything nice, classmates that didn’t see me like more than a shadow, friends that didn’t respect me, not because of what I said or who I belonged to, but because of who I were. Would they care if I died? Would they cry, wish that they treasured me more? No, of course not. I’m just a shadow. Worthless. Only one person, only one person on this planet, made me feel loved, wanted. But he lived far away from here, would we ever meet? It didn’t feel like we were. Grasping air. Chasing dreams. Trying to tame the wind. So hopeless. My eyes got filled with tears and I took a deep breath. I were not going to cry, I’m not weak. I can control myself, I’m not a child anymore. But all I ever wanted were to curl up next to him. Feel his bodyheat, feel his protecting arms around me. He could shield my weak heart from the pain I felt. He could save me from feeling like this. A new song.
“On top of the roof
The air is so cold and so calm
I say your name in silence
You don’t want to hear it right now
The eyes of the city
Are counting the tears falling down
Each one a promise
Of everything you never found...”
My pillow were wet, my face too. I cried, I weren’t supposed to, I shouldn’t. I buried my face in the wet pillow. How I hated this feeling. None could understand, none cared. I had to shut it inside. Build a wall, a shell. I knew I would do something stupid if I got hurt once more. Bill crushed my heart again.
“I don’t know how long
I can hold you so strong
I don’t know how long...
Just take my hand
And give it a chance
Don’t jump...”
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