Story - kanske en Del 1? |
Step by step I walked up to nervous laughs and peeks at the bedroom door.
Holding you're hand knowing what would happen.
Beeing sad didn't exaktly help me control myself, neither did the alcohol.
How could I know that walking up the steps, making eye contact and then having sex, would be exakly like pusching myself down a cliff?
I wouldn't die, no, I would just suffer.
Life as it was then wasn't too bad.
At the time, I could still count how meany times I had made myself bleed, and my habit of falling in love with the wrong guys had just begun.
So there I was not knowing that my life would be effected strongly if I just let you get closer to me, get to know me.
Can you blame me? For walkning up the stairs with him? Even if i then didn't even know his name.
I don't think so. You were good looking and to experienced in life for a normal 16 year old boy.
To experienced for a normal adult.
Of course it made me curios.
I could sense there was something he was hiding.
If it was sex i was looking for I could have picked any of the other guyes there.
I went home early, about 11 at night.
He and some others joined in.
We had a short intruduction.
Something like: "Oh forgot to intruduce myself, Alexander or Ex."
"Wich one do you prefer?"
"Doesn't matter. The one you like best." You said and smiled.
The day after I heard about the party.
That one and the other two (wich later were held at the same place)
became the main topic for most people the next few weeks.
Sitting here looking back at what now more seems like someone elses story it feels ocward.
As if I'm not supposed to know, It doesn't feel like I acctually lived then, experiensed that.
If I didn't know, didn't still speak to you and hadn't seen and felt the ashes of what we once had,
I would'n belive that we've (i've) gone thru that, had those feelings.
Now when I think back I remember that it didn't actually start there.
Me meeting you started there, you had always been around but we had never really talked.
But the period in life wich I went thrugh didn't start there.
It started earlier, when I started wondering "who am I" and when I started bleeding.
When I lost control.
At the time when one of my former best friends had been raiped and I had told some of my friends,
that's a whole different story, but it's when it all got started.
ska jag fortsätta? :) bra, dålig?
f'låt för stav fel oxå, säker på att det finns massor :)
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